TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely out of put. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Certainly, confident, let us have Yet another area where American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It really is that he should cease utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head visible from Area, a characteristic currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after discovering the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not simply unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Options


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors might ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting focus from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, Trump Tower Damascus consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel the place my PTSD can have transform-down provider."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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